My anxiety has been high recently. I am stressed about so many things, but the things I’m stressed about aren’t really why I’m writing again. My anxiety itself is.
I have been resistant to saying I have anxiety. I admit I have depression. I admit I have problems due to trauma, which may or may not fit a diagnosis of PTSD. However, I refuse to admit I really have anxiety. I like to say that my anxiety is due to everything else I have going on. That may be true, but it does not mean I don’t have anxiety too.
I get irritated easily. I can’t sleep. I get shaky. I have problems breathing. My heart races. These things aren’t even when I am directly facing something that stresses me out. They just happen. This is anxiety.
I have means to address my anxiety. Therapy has focused a lot on my anxiety despite my not thinking it’s as big of a problem. I was more concerned with the depression. My depression was deep and consuming. My anxiety is a sneaky trickster that hangs out waiting for me to get a break from my depression. Then it strikes. If I am not low, I am anxious. And as a parent, I’d rather be depressed because my anxiety has a lot to chat about when it comes to my kids.
My therapist has told me that because of my traumas and lack of control throughout most of my life, I have a lot of concerns with safety. That is what triggers a lot of my anxiety. Am I safe? Are my kids safe? Is my husband safe? Is my family safe? Are my friends safe? And now there’s COVID-19. Is it safe to go to the store? Should we go to the doctor’s office first thing in the morning to be the first in a sanitized room? (The answer is yes, always yes.) Should we buy more masks so we can double mask now? Is my niece’s cough allergies? Asthma? The flu? COVID? Is it even safe to let the boys see her?
I could keep going forever. That’s why I need to admit to myself I have anxiety. But the main theme is safety.
I use mantras for it. In random quiet moments, I will repeat to myself, “I am calm, I am safe, I am enough,” or “We are safe, we are healthy, everything is okay.” The three I use kind of depends on how the day has gone, is going, will go, etc. Repeating them at times that I am already fine helps a lot because when I start freaking out about something, I start rapidly saying them to myself and I can calm myself down. I need to make this more regular though.
I also need to incorporate meditations with breathing exercises into my day. Guided meditations are fun, and sometimes helpful. However, I’ve been noticing that the aftereffect is shorter and shorter recently. One day, it was so short that when the meditation was over and the guide was like, “Start slowly moving around and bring yourself back to the moment,” I opened my eyes, moved my fingers a bit, and heard my heartrate immediately start speeding back up. I have a few breathing exercises I know. I just need to do them for a few minutes every day.
I think I’m going to start writing more about my mental health care. Even if no one reads it. On my social media, I have friends that appreciate some of the things I share. Maybe the right person will come across this and appreciate that I was willing to write it down
Mindfulish Butterfly 