New stuff

Haven’t been on since my new diagnosis. And haven’t been transparent anywhere about it.

I am bipolar.

I can’t tell my parents because Hubs is bipolar as well and he’s worried that if they know, they’ll start checking up on us too much.

I told my friends, but I didn’t talk too much about it. And I only told a limited amount of them.

I asked for advice from someone, but they never responded. And I think it was stupid to tell them my diagnosis. I’m worried that’ll bite me in the ass later. It probably will.

Hubs isn’t telling any of his friends. And that kind of hurts. It actually hurts that I have to hide this. I prided myself on being so transparent before. I talked about my chronic suicidal thoughts. I talked about my major depression. I talked about my anxiety. I talked about how motherhood was affecting my mental health. And now I’m silent because I feel like I’m not supposed to talk about it. But I want to talk about it. I don’t want to be quiet.

I. Just. Want. To. Let. It. Out.

I had early onset and wasn’t diagnosed until 28 after going through 2 mini hypomanic episodes postbirth. I’ve struggled with depression over and over and over. Then I’ve had times where I didn’t believe I ever felt that bad because I felt too good. Life was too good. I was too good to feel like that.

But who cares. It’s world bipolar day and I can’t even be like, “Me! That’s me! I’m a part of this and we can do this!” I have too much respect for my spouse’s viewpoint.

I can’t wait to start my new meds. Maybe I won’t be such a grouch. Maybe I’ll level out. Maybe I’ll feel better again.