I wish I knew more people who were sexually assaulted by boyfriends. It is very hard to heal from. I can’t stop blaming myself. I do my therapy exercises, but what always lies in the background is, “I should have known better,” “I should have left earlier,” “I should have just been okay with it because what we could have been…” It hurts to have these thoughts floating around in my head, and I feel crazy for having them.
I could not have known better. Everything about how we met, how we started hanging out, how we started dating, his family… Everything felt safe. Nothing felt wrong. The assaulting actions were the only thing that was wrong. Or at least that is still how it is in my head. My poor damaged self is still convinced that we would have been the ultimate couple.
Here are at least two other things that were wrong: he was openly sexist and he would not have stopped his friends from gang raping me.
I was young. I was convinced I was meant to be a good wife someday. As a teen, I was just supposed to be arm candy. I was alive to make other people happy.
It hurts.
Mindfulish Butterfly 