Puke green.
There’s a friend I didn’t stay connected with. Details, details. She is still friends with our closest mutual friend. Best friends. So close they’re basically sisters.
We’re talking again. And it feels gross. How do I move forward when I’m stuck on things she said in the past? Hard things. Victim-blaming things, when I was the victim.
I’m nauseous over so many things today.
I finally drew out the trauma. It’s representation in my head. The stump and the tainting on everything I do, everything I think, everything I am.
I tried to figure out what the stump represented. Why did it appear? What does it mean? The best I’ve got is my loss of innocence and trust. Betrayal. My beautiful blossoming stopped. Cut short. Then to salt the wound, I was told I was not worth cutting it down.
I was not worth assaulting. I was not worth coercing. I wasn’t worth being the arm candy I thought I was. Who are you when you already put yourself on the lowest rung, and that rung is too good for you? Who am I?
I’ve lost myself, a long time ago. It’ll be a while before I’m whole again. If I ever was. Am I melodramatic or am I damaged? Is laying down in the snow for peace really melodrama, or is it a beautiful way to escape?
“Take me back to the night we met…/…and then I can tell myself/not to ride along with you.”
I’m shattered. Still. It feels like I will be forever. And it doesn’t feel worth it.
I wasn’t worth it, so why is he? Why is he worth all this pain? Why is he worth having to tell my husband to stop touching me? My children? Why is he worth a dozen years of misery? Of feeling soulless.
My heart is nauseous. My stomach is nauseous. My soul is nauseous. Welcome back to the shitshow buddy. I’m trying to reintegrate you.
Mindfulish Butterfly 