Self Absorbed

“Hurt people hurt people.”

I want to take a minute to explore how I’ve been feeling today. My feelings are not something that I like to focus on. I’ve actually been thinking about them, so I want to just make myself work through it.

I feel down and low and self absorbed. I feel that maybe I am not worth knowing right now because I do not have as much to offer as usual. I’m in a place where I need to take lots of time for myself because I have so many things pulling me in so many directions and I’ve barely worked through any of them without everything else going on in the world right now. It’s nice to be stuck inside because I feel like I’m not letting anyone down by not wanting to interact more. I want to be alone more. Loneliness isn’t a good feeling, but I’m not feeling lonely when I get to be alone. I feel introspective then.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I’ve been through and how it affects me, and in turn how that affects people around me. It all seems like me, me, me. I know it probably doesn’t seem selfish to think about how I’m affecting other people, but the way I’m approaching it is. And it’s kind of okay right now. I don’t like being all about me, but “hurt people hurt people.” I haven’t intentionally hurt anyone, but I have hurt people. So if I need to be in my shell to fix me, that’s what I have to do.

I don’t like feeling lonely or distanced, but I don’t know how else to be right now. I don’t know why things go sour with certain people and I don’t know why certain people love me so much. It’s like very different ends of a spectrum and it doesn’t feel good. There’s not a concensus and I know that’s not personal, but while I’m not okay, it feels personal. I’ve got a big support system, but I feel at times like I don’t fully deserve it because I’ve lost who I am at the moment. I don’t feel like me and I feel like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to just be me. If I’m not me, are they still supporting the same person they love? Or am I turning into someone new who may outgrow what they like about me?

Life is not bad right now for me, so it does feel very self absorbed to be concerned about these things. That’s why they’re here and not being spoken to my support system. I appreciate them infinitely. I don’t want something stupid to happen again because I’m not okay and need to say things that are not fully okay. I love all the people in my life, but I’m not full of that love right now. I’m on E and I’m trying to figure out how to refill the tank. The problem is, I don’t know if I’m just going to the gas station or if I’m getting an all new car. That was incredibly visual. If anyone can figure out who I am and finds this, know I love you and my thoughts have nothing to do with you. They are not meant to hurt, even if they do. I am hurt, and I’m trying to fix it so I don’t hurt any of you anymore.