Toxicity

I’ve been questioning so much recently if I’m a toxic person. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have toxic qualities, but I’m not entirely a toxic person. I can cut down on my toxic qualities, and should.

One of the main reasons I don’t think I’m entirely toxic is because I feel so bad when things go wrong or sour. I have a habit of apologizing profusely to people who are even remotely affected by the situation. I don’t always apologize to other people in the situation right away, but that has it’s own reasons. I feel horribly guilty, and that usually lasts for years. I try to keep in mind whatever went wrong so that I don’t make the same mistake twice. Life doesn’t already work out that way, but I do try, and trying is the point. I can try to be better.

My mental health recently causes a lack of patience leading to lashing out at people unnecessarily, a harsher tone when I speak, not wanting to listen when things feel sensitive. I know there’s more, but it’s not all easy to scrunch down for a list. I am committing right now to using mantras, meditation, and breathing to keep more patience. I tend to keep things circling in my head, and getting some of that under control will help my patience. Taking a few seconds or minutes for any of these will help tremendously in patience outside of that though.

I tend to complain. It’s often about the same things over and over too. I need a place to put complaints and negative thoughts that doesn’t affect other people. I don’t always need to say them to anyone and they don’t need to be in a public place. To complain less, I want to work on gratitudes. Three gratitudes in the morning is supposed to help you have a better day. The first time I tried gratitudes, I was very depressed and at home all day every day, so it felt like I had very little to choose from and only stuck to it for a week. I’m hoping to see benefits if I give it another try.

As I start, I should be able to improve even more and find more to improve. It’s tiring constantly trying to be better, but it’s exhausting to keep restarting. The more I practice, the easier our becomes and the better I become. It becomes a habit over time and without practicing, that habit is easily broken.