Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, focus on what you can. I come back to this idea a lot. It doesn’t solve all of my problems, but it makes some of them a little easier to handle.
I’ve been struggling more than usual with my mental health, and I’ve been unwilling to fully talk about it with people. I’m not entirely sure why that is. It’s not helpful to me and I know it, so I’m not sure what’s holding me back. When I’ve struggled in the past, it’s been a problem with people even if I was open and talking about it. Maybe that’s part of the reason. Maybe I’m just being stubborn. Maybe I’m embarrassed to be feeling this awful during such a ‘happy’ time of my life. Whatever the case, I need to get a handle on it before it really messes up my relationships again.
That’s where focusing on what I can do comes back in. I always seem to take it really literally too. I end up focusing on the physical instead of the mental. With a history of miscarriages, maybe the physical is just as good of a focus. It forces me to actually appreciate things about my body, rather than feeling betrayed by it. Throw in the ED history, and maybe it’s the best place I could start.
I started with working out again. I found some challenges to keep me on track and be able to celebrate once they’re completed. I found yoga sequences that help my pain tremendously, so I do those in the morning and at night. It helps me feel like I can move and sleep comfortably. I was at my highest weight (not including pregnancy and immediate postpartum weights) when I got pregnant, so I’m hoping to keep my weight gain around 20 or less pounds. Keeping up a regular workout schedule could help that. And I’ll be so proud of myself if I can keep active once I’m in the third trimester.
Working out is kind of influencing sleep. I need it to. My sleep schedule is so out of whack from having pregnancy insomnia all first trimester. I can move easily and workout right now, so I’m hoping to motivate myself to wake up and do it at a regular time.
I’ve been having loads of nightmares. I’m not exaggerating when I say every night for weeks. Possibly months at this point. The worse they are, the worse my mood is when I get up. I spend most of my morning just trying to let them go. One thing I can do is meditate. I can do that in the morning to clear my head easier. I can do it at night to try and have a peaceful mind before going to sleep.
I have been trying to work on the mental side, beyond thinking of ways to help. I read a few years ago, while battling through awful postpartum depression and anxiety, about doing dishes or cleaning parts of the kitchen while your food is cooking instead of going back to TV or your phone. I don’t do this every time, but I’m getting there. I do similar things around the house. When I’m brushing my teeth, I work on cleaning up parts of the bathroom. While my son is watching a show, I work on the living room or dining room. Laundry is still a hassle, but I’ve gotten myself into the habit of realizing how much energy I have for it. I don’t start more loads than I can handle putting away. No more wet clothes sitting in the washer for a day or two. Dirty clothes pile up more, however clean clothes don’t. They end up right where they belong, and that’s something I feel like I can be happy with.
I spend about five days a week crying my eyes out right now. I fact that no one who knows me in real life has any knowledge of. Not even my husband. I have so many fears, I feel like I’m drowning in them. Unfortunately, I know I haven’t hit the lowest point yet because I don’t ever have the neutral ‘floating’ feeling from when my depression is more manageable. When I feel okay, it’s because I feel like I’m in a video game. My best bet is to manage the things I can manage so I can ride out the things I can’t.
A side note: there will be people who don’t understand how much all of these struggles affect every aspect of my life. They will take it personally, they will get angry, they will be concerned in the wrong way, they’ll say things to “snap me out of it.” None of these things are my problem. I can communicate with them openly or not. That is my choice. I can interact with them or not. That is my choice. I have to work on me. My feelings are not invalidated because they have feelings too. It’s not their job to like me; it’s mine. That’s a self esteem mantra, but it can also be applied when people are purposely misunderstanding you. They don’t have to, and they have no real reason to. So let them be. Focus on you for you. If they matter enough, they’ll come back around with the good sense to be more understanding that you are a human with flaws, struggles, feelings, and imperfections. If they don’t, it’s really no loss. It’s healthier in the end.
Mindfulish Butterfly 